Pay Attention to the Meta-Message

Rosita has the opportunity to land the biggest training contract of her career. So she asks colleague Trevor to review her proposal before she sends it to the prospective client. Eagerly, Rosita looks up as Trevor strolls into her office, drops the proposal in the center of the desk, and takes a seat in front of her. He says, “I read your proposal.” Long glance. She responds, “You don’t like it?.... Why not?”

Whoa. How did Rosita get from “I read your proposal” to “You don’t like it”? What happened? Rosita responded to the meta-message.

Gerard Nierenberg coined the term meta-message to describe those messages that come through between the lines; they come from the context, the relationship, the timing, and the purpose. For example, Susan calls her manager Jack for the third time in one day. She says, “Hi, it’s me again.” He responds, “I’m working on the survey. It’s due in half an hour.” His message is not intended as an update on his progress. His words and tone mean: “Why are you bothering me again? I don’t have time to talk now.”

Another example: Trainer Tom walks in with a packaged time-management course in his arms. Colleague Maya asks, “Why did you buy that course?” He answers, “They gave us a huge discount.” Her tone and words didn’t ask for his reasons for the purchase. Given their earlier conversation about his never soliciting opinions from other training specialists in the department, she meant, “Why do you continue to disregard our team approach to major purchase decisions?”

If you’ve ever wondered why someone responds negatively to “positive” words, consider the meta-message. A senior executive walks into a meeting and says, “Sorry to keep you waiting. A call came through from London that I simply had to take.” Another executive in the corner may greet the latecomer’s apology with a scowl; to him, the meaning was: “I outrank you and have the power to keep you waiting.”

A manager may say to a member of his team: “I simply can’t approve that transfer for you. It’s not in your best interest in the long run.” The subordinate may reject the seemingly “caring” statement and instead get the meta-message that he is a child in need of protection for his own good.

We deal with some meta-messages every day and recognize them as such. You say to a good friend who tosses out a ridiculous idea: “You’re crazy--that’s off the wall.” With your big smile and strong relationship, she knows you really mean, “Thanks for the laugh.” We understand such. With other meta-messages, we walk away from a conversation feeling disappointed or “zapped” but don’t understand why.

With any meta-message, a response to only the words is insufficient. If an argument or discussion follows, it will most certainly be off the subject. Listen and respond to the meta-message; that’s where the action is.

ARTICLE TAGLINE FOR DIANNA BOOHER

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© Dianna Booher, Booher Consultants, Inc.
Author of 42 books (Simon & Schuster/Pocket, Warner, and McGraw-Hill), Dianna Booher, CSP, CPAE, delivers keynotes, breakout sessions, and training on communication and life-balance issues. Her latest books: Speak with Confidence®, Your Signature Life®, Your Signature Work®, E-Writing, and Communicate with Confidence®. For more information on Dianna and her programs, visit www.diannabooher.com or contact her firm, Booher Consultants, Inc., at 800-342-6621.

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