Tone Deaf = Message Blind

Sometimes the most revealing part of a message isn’t found in the words themselves but in the subtle messages wrapped around those words. Failure to pick up on these “secret messages” may leave you blind to what is really being communicated.

Gerard Nierenberg coined the term “meta-message” to describe those messages that come through between the lines: the sometimes “louder” messages that emanate from the context, the relationship, the timing, the purpose, the tone, and the body language.

For example, Susan calls her colleague Jack for the third time in one day. She says, “Hi, it’s me again.” He responds: “I’m working on the Miller proposal; it’s due in half an hour.” His message is not intended as a progress report. His words and tone mean: “Why are you bothering me again? I don’t have time to talk now.”

If you’ve ever wondered why someone responds negatively to your positive words or vice versa, consider the meta-messages you may be communicating. A senior executive walks into a meeting and says, “Sorry to keep everyone waiting for so long. A call came through from London that I couldn’t put off any longer.” Another executive in the corner may greet the late-arriver’s apology with a scowl; to him, the meaning was: “I outrank you and have the power to keep you waiting.”

We deal with meta-messages every day: You say to a good friend who tosses out a ridiculous idea, “Thanks for that great insight?with thinking like that we’ll all be out looking for new jobs.” Considering your impish grin and strong relationship, he knows you really mean, “Thanks for the laugh.” But in ambiguous situations with unfamiliar people, we often walk away from a conversation feeling disappointed, confused, or “zapped”?and we don’t understand why.
Since all messages involve a composite of feelings, ideas, personality, and delivery, a response to only the words of a message is insufficient?and even dangerous. If argument or discussion follows, it will most certainly be off the subject.

To get to the heart of a message, understand its tone?not the “what” of the message but the “how,” not the specific words but their inflection, emphasis, and intensity. Consider the tone of others to focus on what they’re really saying. It’s also helpful to become aware of your own tone and how you come across to others.

Accusing/Blaming
“It’s your fault we missed that deadline.” “Don’t ask me why we didn’t hire more people to start with?I told you we might need more help.” “Well, I was only reacting to what you said earlier about not having sufficient budget.”

Appeasing/Placating
“Please, let’s just forget it. It doesn’t really matter.” “Would you please consider changing the deadline?just this once?” “Just tell me what you want me to do now and I’ll get on it.”

Computing/Disassociating
“The deadline is August 1.” “Two people cannot possibly get the job done.” “It doesn’t matter what we think of the policy, it’s already been adopted.”

Analyzing/Diagnosing
“The contract did not really call for an August 1 deadline. You, as manager, selected that date. Was your intention to test our commitment? To force us to abandon our quality procedures?” “Why are you saying that to me?” “You know, the reason you’re feeling that way is that you’re insecure within yourself.”

Dogmatic
“We will lose the business if we miss that first deadline.” “It can’t be done that way.” “You’re wrong; the first interviewee would best suit our needs. “

Dramatic/Effusive
“We kill ourselves and you’re still not pleased.” “This is the stupidest plan we’ve ever used—there’s not a company on earth that could meet that deadline.” “Either give me an answer today, or I quit.” “I wouldn’t transfer her out of here for a million dollars; she knows all there is about inventory management.”

Straightforward/Leveling
“I’m disappointed that we missed the deadline. I had two people helping and thought that would be sufficient, but evidently it wasn’t.” “We need more input on the issue before we decide.” “Truthfully, I don’t think either option will work in the long run.”
Listening for and identifying the tone in others and adapting appropriately, as well being conscious of the tone of your own messages, will determine your communication effectiveness. Being tone conscious will prevent you from sending and receiving messages that fall on deaf ears.


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© Dianna Booher, Booher Consultants, Inc.
Author of 42 books (Simon & Schuster/Pocket, Warner, and McGraw-Hill), Dianna Booher, CSP, CPAE, delivers keynotes, breakout sessions, and training on communication and life-balance issues. Her latest books: Speak with Confidence®, Your Signature Life®, Your Signature Work®, E-Writing, and Communicate with Confidence®. For more information on Dianna and her programs, visit www.diannabooher.com or contact her firm, Booher Consultants, Inc., at 800-342-6621.

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