GRUNTS AND GROANS

One day I was waiting to board a flight at the Monterey airport. A couple dozen other passengers waited with me, mostly business travelers looking stoic and determined. Yet the airport was eerily quiet. When boarding began, I noticed that no one hurried to be first, which I know by experience was odd. Where were the type-A's, I wondered. I settled into seat 2B. A woman in her mid-40's, by the looks of it well -off and proud of it, was already seated next to the window. "Hello," she said. "Where are you headed?"

"Chicago," I replied, not looking over at her.

"Umm," she said, and then with only the smallest pause, "I'm on my way to my daughter's abortion."

Yep. That's how the gentle lull of the morning was broken. I had no idea what she expected me to say, but I had an instant desire to say as little as possible. Choosing the tact of a mild response, I muttered, "Oh" and continued to pull out of my travel case the papers I intended to review.

The woman was not to be dismissed by a simple clump of papers and my disinterest.. "Can you imagine?" she continued. "Only 18. I suppose I should be glad she called to tell me and wants me to come, but heavens."

I looked over, trying to get a clue as to whether she was distraught and therefore in need of care, or if she was just talking to me as to anyone. She appeared rested. Her expression didn't look haggard or tense. I decided to treat the situation as a simple intrusion, not a trauma case. I looked back to my papers and shook my head slightly as a silent dismissal. But she wasn't done. "I just can't get over it. Barely 18 and about to have an abortion. My daughter. Can you just imagine it?"

No, I wouldn't have imagined it. I didn't know the woman or her daughter and didn't understand why a stranger would dump such intimate information into my ear, as if I should take a position or offer advise. Dr. Laura, where are you when needed? You'd know how to handle it and lose neither your cool nor your time.

Break out the earmuffs

It's not that the problem wasn't important for her, her daughter, the father and society as a whole. It is important for each. It's just that the time and place for the discussion were inappropriate. I didn't understand how she or anyone could so casually discharge their worries, fears, bad tempers, disappointments and spiritual droppings among strangers. It seems a form of public littering to me.

I don't hold with those who believe there is a public right or moral imperative for people at random to listen at any time. Somewhere on the way to becoming an adult, we are supposed to learn to "keep it in" unless circumstances invite sharing problems.

Churn it around inside. Think it through. Absolutely do that. Talk it over, as much as you need, with your spouse or partner, family and close friends, your spiritual adviser, etc. America has an extensive and competent network of hotlines and support groups. These are staffed by exceptionally capable and dedicated volunteers who are there for the express purpose of helping.

There are many right times and circumstances to let it all out, to be totally honest and imploring. It's okay, perfectly human in fact, to need the camaraderie and perspective of others in sorting out the misery and confusion which abound and sometimes invade our hearts. Still, use wisdom in choosing those right times. I guarantee the results will be more effective.

Look for value

Disinterested strangers can give little valuable advice because they have so little context. You know equally little about them so what supports acceptance of any advice offered by strangers. With little prospect of value coming from the exchange, the intrusion of sudden intimacies on a stranger is a useless imposition.

If ineffectiveness isn't a good enough reason to maintain self-possession, consider the Golden Rule. Good manners are grown from the attempt to behave in such a way that others feel comfortable around you. That requires adopting an attitude of cheerful dignity and proceeding through public places without imposing ourselves on hapless strangers. What good does it do to spread your troubles around like cream cheese on a bagel? No one wants an ant at your picnic of grunts and groans.

Look for effectiveness

Replace that lazy thinking with a more effective rule: Don't complain except to the person who can do something about the problem. Venting at random is mere whining regardless of how serious or minor the problem.

I held no authority to impose a judgment about this mother's dilemma, nor did she have the right to expect me to offer a suggestion (or even give an ear).

"Sorry, ma'am, but I have no advice to offer on the situation. I do wish you and your daughter well, but if you'll excuse me, I scheduled myself to complete some work during this flight and I need to get at it."

I felt a wave of relief as she nodded and pulled out a book. A small victory in the continual battle to stay focused and committed to personally appropriate goals. No cost or offense to others, big gain for yourself.

ARTICLE TAGLINE FOR JIM TUNNEY, Ed.D., CSP, CPAE

Copyright © 2003 Jim Tunney. All rights reserved.
You can visit Jim's website at http://www.jimtunney.com

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